Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
My Brother Demanded I Give Up the House I Inherited from Our Dad – the Next Day, He Called In Tears, Begging Me to Take It Back
My greedy brother demanded the family home I’d inherited from our late dad. But less than 24 hours later, he called me in tears and begged me to take it back. Something behind those walls had shaken him to his core and I knew exactly what it was.
The day Dad’s laughter faded from our home was the day my world lost its color. For years, I watched helplessly as illness slowly dimmed the light in his eyes, and my hands used to shake as I spooned soup into his mouth or adjusted his pillows.
A son holding his old dad’s hand | Source: Pixabay
In those final moments, as I held his frail hand and whispered “I love you,” I felt a piece of my heart crumble away.
The house echoed with memories of better days, but also with the glaring absence of my brother Kyle, who couldn’t be bothered to say goodbye.
The day Dad died, I sat alone in the hospital room, holding his hand as the monitors flatlined.
An old man in a hospital bed | Source: Freepik
The silence that followed was deafening. I wanted to scream and rage against the unfairness of it all. But I just sat there numb as tears streamed down my face.
“I’ll miss you, Dad,” I whispered. “I hope I made you proud.”
As I left the hospital that day, I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. The world seemed duller and less vibrant without Dad in it.
I drove home in a daze, a fog of grief enveloping me. Each familiar street corner and storefront seemed to hold a piece of Dad, triggering a flood of memories that haunted me.
A grieving man | Source: Pixabay
The days that followed were a blur of funeral arrangements and well-wishers.
I threw myself into the tasks at hand, finding some small comfort in staying busy. It wasn’t until the reading of the will that I saw Kyle again.
He strode into the lawyer’s office, flaunting his expensive suit and polished shoes.
A man in an elegant suit | Source: Pexels
Kyle had always been the ambitious one, using Dad’s connections to network and jumpstart his career. Once he got what he wanted, he vanished like smoke in the wind.
While I held Dad’s trembling hand through endless chemo sessions, Kyle’s absence hung in the air like a suffocating cloud.
Dad’s eyes would dart hopefully to the door at every sound, but Kyle never appeared.
A sick old man lying on a bed | Source: Midjourney
On those long, dark nights when Dad’s pain was at its worst, and he’d whisper, “I wish both my boys were here,” I’d feel my heart shatter all over again.
And when Dad took his final breath, the empty chair beside his bed screamed Kyle’s indifference louder than any words ever could.
“Let’s get this over with,” Kyle said, snapping me out of my thoughts, not quite meeting my eyes as he took a seat.
A man in a black suit | Source: Pexels
Mrs. Hill, Dad’s lawyer, began reading the will. Most of Dad’s assets were to be split evenly between us. Then she paused, looking directly at me.
“The family home is to be left solely to Joseph.”
Kyle’s head snapped up. “What?”
Mrs. Hill continued, “Your father, William, specifically stated that the house should go to Joseph, in recognition of his care and dedication during his illness.”
A lawyer in her office | Source: Pexels
I could feel Kyle’s eyes boring into me, but I kept my gaze fixed on the lawyer.
“Furthermore,” she added, “William left a substantial sum for renovations to the house, with specific instructions for its use.”
As we left the office, Kyle grabbed my arm. “This isn’t over,” he hissed.
I watched him storm off, a sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew this was far from over.
An angry man | Source: Pexels
A week later, Kyle showed up at my farmhouse, unannounced and seething.
“You manipulated him,” he accused, pushing past me into the living room.
I closed the door, taking a deep breath. “Hello to you too, Kyle.”
He whirled on me, clenching his fist. “Don’t play innocent, Joe. You were with Dad, whispering in his ear, while I was out building a life for myself.”
A man clenching his fist | Source: Pexels
“Building a life? Is that what you call abandoning your family?”
“I had opportunities, Joe. Big ones. Dad understood that.”
“Did he? Because I don’t remember him understanding why his oldest son couldn’t bother to call, let alone visit when he was dying.”
A man with a fragile smile | Source: Midjourney
Kyle flinched but pressed on. “Dad must’ve made a mistake. The house should be mine. I’m the oldest. It’s tradition.”
I laughed. “Tradition? Since when do you care about tradition?”
“I’m serious, Joe. Give me the house, or I’ll take you to court. I’ll drag this out until you’re drowning in legal fees.”
A house surrounded by a beautiful garden | Source: Unsplash
I studied my brother, this stranger wearing familiar features.
Part of me wanted to fight and scream at him for his selfishness. But another part, a part that sounded suspiciously like Dad, whispered a different idea.
“Fine. You want the house? It’s yours.”
Kyle blinked, caught off guard. “Really?”
“I’ll sign it over to you. No strings attached.”
Suspicion clouded his face. “Just like that?”
Close-up shot of a man frowning in suspicion | Source: Midjourney
I nodded, already reaching for the paperwork Mrs. Hill had left with me. “Just like that. Consider it yours, brother.”
With a heavy heart and trembling fingers, I signed away Dad’s legacy. The keys felt cold and accusing in my palm as I dropped them into Kyle’s eager hand.
As Kyle strutted out, victory gleaming in his eyes, I couldn’t help but smile. He had no idea about the whirlwind he was walking into.
A man holding a key | Source: Pexels
“Joe,” Mrs. Hill said when I told her everything. “you realize this is madness, right? You don’t have to give in to your brother’s demands.”
“I know, Mrs. Hill. But sometimes you have to lose to win. And sometimes, lessons come in unexpected packages.”
The next morning, my phone rang at an ungodly hour. Kyle’s name flashed on the screen.
A phone with the screen flashing an incoming call | Source: Midjourney
“Hello?” I answered, my voice still thick with sleep.
“What the hell did you do?” Kyle’s voice was a mix of panic and rage.
I sat up, fully awake now. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Don’t play dumb! The house! It’s… it’s…”
“It’s what, Kyle?”
An angry man talking on the phone | Source: Freepik
“It’s a freaking circus!” he exploded. “There are slides in the living room! The bedroom is full of toys! Every room looks like it threw up a rainbow!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Oh, that. Yeah, Dad and I had been working on a little project.”
“Little project? This isn’t a house anymore. It’s a damn daycare!”
“Actually,” I said, unable to keep the joy out of my voice, “it’s more of a community center for the local orphanage.”
“What are you talking about?”
A room full of toys | Source: Midjourney
I settled back against my pillows, enjoying this more than I probably should.
“Well, you see, Dad always wanted to give back to the community. We came up with this plan to turn the house into a safe space for kids who don’t have anyone looking out for them. Indoor swings, ball pits, inflatable castles, art stations… the works.”
“You can’t be serious,” Kyle growled.
Kids playing on an inflatable castle | Source: Pexels
“Oh, I am, brother! And the best part? It’s all in Dad’s will. The new owner — that’s you now — is legally obligated to maintain it as is and complete the renovations.”
“Renovations?” Kyle’s voice rose to a squeak.
“Yep. Remember how Dad loved that candy house from Hansel and Gretel? Well, starting next week, the house exterior is getting a makeover. Candy canes, gumdrops, the works. And guess who’s footing the bill?”
The silence on the other end was deafening.
A Hansel and Gretel fairytale-themed house | Source: Midjourney
“You knew,” Kyle finally said, his voice brimming with awe and fury. “You knew all this when you gave me the house.”
“I did! Consider it a lesson in being careful what you wish for.”
“Joe, please. You have to take it back. I can’t do this.”
For a moment, I was tempted. But then I remembered all the times Kyle had turned his back on us, all the lonely nights Dad had spent wondering why his eldest son didn’t care.
A sad old man sitting on a chair | Source: Pexels
“I’m sorry, Kyle,” I said, not feeling sorry at all. “But you wanted the house. It’s yours now, with all its responsibilities. Maybe spending time with those kids will teach you something about family.”
“But the money,” Kyle protested weakly. “I can’t afford all this. I want the money Dad left in his will.”
“The money Dad left for the renovations?” I laughed. “I’m donating it to the orphanage. They need it more than either of us.”
Wads of money in a plastic bag | Source: Midjourney
As Kyle’s pleas turned to sobs, my heart lightened.
“Joe, you don’t understand. My company isn’t doing well. I needed this house as collateral for a loan. I thought I could fix everything.”
“Oh, why didn’t you just ask for help?”
“Because I’m supposed to be the successful one!” he shouted, then his voice dropped to a whisper. “I couldn’t admit I was failing.”
An agitated man talking on the phone | Source: Freepik
For a moment, I saw the brother I used to know — scared, vulnerable, human.
But I also remembered the years of neglect and the pain in Dad’s eyes every time Kyle missed a holiday or birthday.
A sad, old man looking at his birthday cake | Source: Pexels
“Listen, Kyle, I can’t take the house back. But maybe we can figure something out. Come over tomorrow. We’ll talk.”
There was a long pause before Kyle responded, his voice barely audible. “Okay. Thank you, Joe.”
A man talking on the phone | Source: Pexels
As I hung up, I looked around my small farmhouse. It wasn’t much, but it was mine. And somewhere out there, a group of kids were about to get the playhouse of their dreams. Dad would have loved that.
I smiled, thinking of the conversation ahead with Kyle. It wouldn’t be easy, but maybe, we could start rebuilding our family. After all, that’s what Dad would have wanted.
And really, that was all that mattered.
A man smiling | Source: Midjourney
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