I was stunned when my husband, Jake, handed me a schedule to help me “become a better wife.” But instead of blowing up, I played along.Little did Jake know, I was about to teach him a lesson that would make him rethink his newfound approach to marriage.
I’ve always prided myself on being the level-headed one in our marriage. Jake, bless his heart, could get swept up in things pretty easily, whether it was a new hobby, or some random YouTube video that promised to change his life in three easy steps.
But we were solid until Jake met Steve. Steve was the type of guy who thought being loudly opinionated made him right, the type that talks right over you when you try to correct him.
He was also a perpetually single guy (who could have guessed?), who graciously dispensed relationship advice to all his married colleagues, Jake included. Jake should’ve known better, but my darling husband was positively smitten with Steve’s confidence.
I didn’t think much of it until Jake started making some noxious comments.
“Steve says relationships work best when the wife takes charge of the household,” he’d say. Or “Steve thinks it’s important for women to look good for their husbands, no matter how long they’ve been married.”
I’d roll my eyes and reply with some sarcastic remark, but it was getting under my skin. Jake was changing. He’d arch his eyebrows if I ordered takeout instead of cooking, and sigh when I let the laundry pile up because, God forbid, I had my own full-time job.
And then it happened. One night, he came home with The List.
He sat me down at the kitchen table, unfolded a piece of paper, and slid it across to me.
“I’ve been thinking,” he started, his voice dripping with a condescending tone I hadn’t heard from him before. “You’re a great wife, Lisa. But there’s room for improvement.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Oh really?”
He nodded, oblivious to the danger zone he was entering. “Yeah. Steve helped me realize that our marriage could be even better if you, you know, stepped up a bit.”
I stared at the paper in front of me. It was a schedule… and he’d written “Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife” at the top in bold.
This guy had actually sat down and mapped out my entire week based on what Steve — a single guy with zero relationship experience — thought I should do to “improve” myself as a wife.
I was supposed to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to make Jake a gourmet breakfast. Then I’d hit the gym for an hour to “stay in shape.”
After that? A delightful lineup of chores: cleaning, laundry, ironing. And that was all before I left for work. I was supposed to cook a meal from scratch every evening and make fancy snacks for Jake and his friends when they came over to hang out at our place.
The whole thing was sexist and insulting on so many levels I didn’t even know where to start. I ended up staring at him, wondering if my husband had lost his mind.
“This will be great for you, and us,” he continued, oblivious.
“Steve says it’s important to maintain structure, and I think you could benefit from —”
“I could benefit from what?” I interrupted, my voice dangerously calm. Jake blinked, caught off guard by the interruption, but he recovered quickly.
“Well, you know, from having some guidance and a schedule.”
I wanted to throw that paper in his face and ask him if he’d developed a death wish. Instead, I did something that surprised even me: I smiled.
“You’re right, Jake,” I said sweetly. “I’m so lucky that you made me this schedule. I’ll start tomorrow.”
The relief on his face was instant. I almost felt sorry for him as I got up and stuck the list on the fridge. Almost. He had no idea what was coming.
The next day, I couldn’t help but smirk as I studied the ridiculous schedule again. If Jake thought he could hand me a list of “improvements,” then he was about to find out just how much structure our life could really handle.
I pulled out my laptop, opened up a fresh document, and titled it, “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” He wanted a perfect wife? Fine. But there was a cost to perfection.
I began by listing all the things he had suggested for me, starting with the gym membership he was so keen on. It was laughable, really.
“$1,200 for a personal trainer.” I typed, barely containing my giggle.
Next came the food. If Jake wanted to eat like a king, that wasn’t happening on our current grocery budget. Organic, non-GMO, free-range everything? That stuff didn’t come cheap.
“$700 per month for groceries,” I wrote. He’d probably need to chip in for a cooking class too. Those were pricey, but hey, perfection wasn’t free.
I leaned back in my chair, laughing to myself as I imagined Jake’s face when he saw this. But I wasn’t done. Oh no, the pièce de résistance was still to come.
See, there was no way I could juggle all these expectations while holding down my job. If Jake wanted me to dedicate myself full-time to his absurd routine, then he’d have to compensate for the loss of my income.
I pulled up a calculator, estimating the value of my salary. Then, I added it to the list, complete with a little note: “$75,000 per year to replace Lisa’s salary since she will now be your full-time personal assistant, maid, and chef.”
My stomach hurt from laughing at this point.
And just for good measure, I threw in a suggestion about him needing to expand the house. After all, if he was going to have his friends over regularly, they’d need a dedicated space that wouldn’t intrude on my newly organized, impossibly structured life.
“$50,000 to build a separate ‘man cave’ so Jake and his friends don’t disrupt Lisa’s schedule.”
By the time I was done, the list was a masterpiece. A financial and logistical nightmare, sure, but a masterpiece nonetheless. It wasn’t just a counterattack — it was a wake-up call.
I printed it out, set it neatly on the kitchen counter, and waited for Jake to come home. When he finally walked through the door that evening, he was in a good mood.
“Hey, babe,” he called out, dropping his keys on the counter. He spotted the paper almost immediately. “What’s this?”
I kept my face neutral, fighting the urge to laugh as I watched him pick it up. “Oh, it’s just a little list I put together for you,” I said sweetly, “to help you become the best husband ever.”
Jake chuckled, thinking I was playing along with his little game. But as he scanned the first few lines, the grin started to fade. I could see the wheels turning in his head, the slow realization that this wasn’t the lighthearted joke he thought it was.
“Wait… what is all this?” He squinted at the numbers, his eyes widening as he saw the total costs. “$1,200 for a personal trainer? $700 a month for groceries? What the hell, Lisa?”
I leaned against the kitchen island, crossing my arms.
“Well, you want me to wake up at 5 a.m., hit the gym, make gourmet breakfasts, clean the house, cook dinner, and host your friends. I figured we should budget for all of that, don’t you think?”
His face turned pale as he flipped through the pages. “$75,000 a year? You’re quitting your job?!”
I shrugged. “How else am I supposed to follow your plan? I can’t work and be the perfect wife, right?”
He stared at the paper, dumbfounded.
The numbers, the absurdity of his own demands, it all hit him at once. His smugness evaporated, replaced by a dawning realization that he had seriously, seriously messed up.
“I… I didn’t mean…” Jake stammered, looking at me with wide eyes. “Lisa, I didn’t mean for it to be like this. I just thought —”
TRAGIC DESCENT: FORMER TEEN HEARTTHROB LEIF GARRETT’S LIFE TAKES A DARK TURN
In my opinion, it seems that the artistic and performance contributions of teenage heartthrob Leif Garrett are not adequately recognized. He warranted greater acknowledgment!
Across his journey, the one-time teen idol faced significant triumphs and setbacks. Unfortunately, his pursuit of highs through drug addiction, employed as a coping mechanism, ultimately led to the decline of his career…
Before observing him in his current state at 61, it might be advisable to brace yourself.
He was quite the heartthrob… Leif Garrett began his career as a child actor, and in the 1970s, he captured the admiration of young women when he transitioned to become a musician.
According to my mom, during trips to the grocery store with her parents, Leif’s face graced the covers of various teen magazines at the checkout lanes, causing a stir among fans.
The American singer-actor, born in Hollywood, California, made his debut at the age of 5 in the 1969 movie “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice,” which ranked as the sixth highest-grossing film of the year.
Following this, the dreamy-eyed, blond heartthrob starred in the film “Walking Tall” and its two sequels. In 1983, he joined other teen heartthrobs, such as Matt Dillon, C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, and Tom Cruise, in Francis Ford Coppola’s “The Outsiders.”
Some may also recognize him from his roles in TV series like “Family,” “The Odd Couple” (1974), “Wonder Woman” (1978), and “CHiPs” (1979).
In 1977, he launched his inaugural album, “Leif Garret,” causing a fan frenzy with covers of popular songs such as “The Wanderer” (Dion), “Surfin’ USA” (The Beach Boys), and Paul Anka’s “Put Your Head on My Shoulder.”
At the peak of his success, Garrett, with his blond, unkempt hair, toured globally, eliciting ecstatic reactions from his predominantly young female fans.
“I was on a public appearance tour in Sydney, Australia, and they had to fly me in by helicopter. Then, I jumped into an armored car and drove into the theater through the back door. I’ve tried using a limo there before, but the fans almost tipped it over. I guess it’s an adrenaline rush for them. They just freak out. It’s very strange,” Garrett shared with New York Daily News in 1979.
Despite his music nearing the top of the charts, he grappled with management issues that made him feel like an “impostor.” The transition to adulthood posed another challenge for Garrett.
“I believe I was a good performer from the start, but I wish they had offered me singing lessons before making a record and engaging in the typical practice of punching in a sentence here or there or words or whatever,” Garrett stated in an interview.
“There’s a particular track (‘I Was Looking for Someone to Love’) that doesn’t even sound like me at all. I would even possibly say I wasn’t even on that track. And to me, that IS fraud. That’s like a Milli Vanilli situation, the difference being, of course, mine was blended many times with myself and somebody else.”
In 1979, Garrett’s career took a nosedive when, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, he crashed a car, sending it rolling down a hillside in North Hollywood. This tragic incident left his close friend Ronald Winkler paralyzed.
However, Garrett’s life took a further negative turn. In 1980, during what he describes as “the pinnacle of pinup fame,” he indulged in a lifestyle of sex, drugs, and rock and roll alongside the iconic Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury. This period coincided with the recording of Queen’s highly successful album “The Game,” featuring hits like “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and “Another One Bites the Dust.” Garrett formed a friendship with the band, experiencing the real rock star life complete with girls and drugs.
Reflecting on this tumultuous time in an interview with Fox for the release of his memoir, “Idol Truth,” Garrett admitted, “I don’t think I was a very mature 16-year-old. I became mature very quickly because I was always surrounded by adults who were drinking and doing coke. I was a child, but being treated as an adult… And all of this was coming out of my pocket.”
He continued, “You know, I probably have the greatest fan base that I could ever imagine for myself. They have stuck with me through thick and thin. And as you know, I’ve gotten myself in plenty of bad situations. There was a lot of bad decision-making. But at the same time, I didn’t have the parental guidance that I should have at that time.”
Garrett has accumulated a lengthy list of charges, including dropping out of rehabilitation and encountering various legal issues. These incidents involved attempting to purchase drugs from undercover police and concealing heroin in his shoe.
Despite earnest attempts to rebuild his life and career, Garrett eventually regressed into his old habits. Due to his comical encounters with the law, Garrett was chosen to provide commentary on the comedy show “World’s Dumbest,” which highlights the antics of “most amazingly stupid” criminals.
The program also featured other celebrities known for their personal misadventures, such as Todd Bridges, Tonya Harding, Gary Busey, and Danny Bonaduce.
Subsequently, Garrett secured a prominent role on VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” a show he initially resisted participating in. Garrett accused the show of inducing a relapse for dramatic effect, a claim vehemently denied by VH1.
In an interview the LA Times, Garrett said: “They asked to get some footage of me using, and I said, ‘I haven’t been using. They said, ‘We really have to get footage of you using.’ Anyway, I was easily talked into showing them.”
When a counselor with the production called him out, suggesting he was still using, Garrett walked off the show saying: “This is insanity and quite honestly I don’t appreciate it.”
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