“How will I manage everything like this? I wish you were here, John! I miss you!” the woman thought as she proceeded to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee.
Almost a year ago…
When doctors told Alicia Silvers and her husband John that they wouldn’t have children, they decided to travel around the world. Shows at the Sydney Opera House, tranquil beaches in Honolulu, tables and buffets in Las Vegas, and majestic fjords in Bergen.
They were going to schedule a trip to the Bahamas when Alicia discovered that she was pregnant. She and John were overjoyed and returned to their hometown Fayetteville, North Carolina, to celebrate the moment with close friends and neighbors.
Alicia and John were both orphans, and they were raised in foster care. Alicia was a stay-at-home wife, while John worked as the managing director of a firm that made parts for household electronics.
They had all they could have wanted in a happy marriage. They had a wonderful home in a lovely area, they enjoyed each other’s company, and now they had the delight of becoming parents. But sadly, this happiness didn’t last long, as Alicia’s world came crumbling down one fateful evening.
“Hello? Am I talking to Alicia Silvers?”
“Yes? How may I help?”
“This is Officer Duncan, ma’am. I’m sorry to inform you that your husband was killed in a terrible car accident on Farm Road Highway. We got your contact number from his phone. We’d appreciate it if you could come and confirm the body as soon as possible.”
Alicia couldn’t believe what she was hearing! That morning John had left telling her he was going out of town for a business meeting. She didn’t want him to leave and had told him she didn’t feel right about it. But he’d convinced her that she was overreacting and that everything would be fine.
Alicia was 7 months along with her pregnancy at the time. When John insisted on leaving for his meeting, she relented and kissed him goodbye. He’d promised to return soon, but when she heard the terrible news, she couldn’t bear the shock and went into labor.
Thankfully, she quickly dialed her next-door neighbor, Mrs. Hall, who rushed to her house and called 911. Alicia was immediately rushed to the hospital, where she gave birth to a baby boy. However, due to his premature birth, he was admitted to the NICU for some time.
When Alicia and the baby were discharged from the hospital, she took over John’s business and began working to support her son. Understanding the company dynamics didn’t take her long because she had an MBA. Problems arose because Edduin was very small and constantly demanded his mother’s attention.
John’s secretary, Madison, was extremely helpful to her and understood her situation, so she suggested that Alicia work from home and assisted her in setting up her workspace so that Alicia could care for her baby.
Yes, Alicia could have hired a nanny to look after the boy, but she didn’t want to do that. She wanted to look after her baby on her own, so she started working from home. In that way, somehow, Alicia managed to look after her son and work simultaneously.
Almost a year passed like that. Little did Alicia know she’d soon have another trouble knocking at her door.
The present-day…
As Alicia made a cup of coffee and proceeded to the living room, she arranged all her files and decided to take a final look at the reports for the day. It was around 1 a.m. It took her half an hour to wrap up the work, and the woman retired on the couch due to tiredness.
Suddenly, she awoke at 8 o’clock in the morning due to Edduin’s crying sound. She jumped to her feet and dashed over to him, where she discovered him with tears streaming down his cheeks like a waterfall.
“What happened, honey? Are you hungry?” she asked as she started rocking him. This was the second time in a week that Alicia had noticed Edduin was restless and crying uncontrollably during his sleep.
She looked inside his crib to see if there was anything that was poking him, but she couldn’t find anything. Finally, she concluded that he might be fine after a while and decided to wait and see if the crying continued.
Thankfully, Edduin’s abrupt crying stopped after a week or so, much to her relief, but he appeared to be very tired every day. He kept yawning and touching his face whenever she held him in her arms or tried to play with him, and the toys he’d previously adored seemed uninteresting to him.
Worried, she contacted a doctor about it, but even that didn’t seem really fruitful.
“I’m worried because he seems really calm most of the time, doctor, but he also looks tired in the mornings. Why is that so?” asked Alicia, worried.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Silvers. Babies seem to have a phase,” the doctor advised her. “Perhaps Edduin is going through the same.”
“But how long will it take for him to be fine? I’m really worried about him.”
“Don’t worry much, Mrs. Silvers. There is no such time frame, but everything will be fine. It varies from one baby to another.”
Thinking it was one of those phases, Alicia hoped Edduin would be fine soon. But even after a week, there was no relief, and Edduin just looked more tired with each passing day.
One afternoon, Alicia decided to check on him after putting him to sleep and heard a strange noise coming from his room. It seemed as if Edduin was giggling and there was someone in his room. At first, she thought it was just her suspicion because she burst open the door but didn’t find anyone inside.
Edduin was staring at her from his crib, and the room was strangely quiet. She looked in the bathroom, inside the cupboard, and under the bed, but no one was in the room.
Alicia returned to the living room, thinking it was work-related stress, but the activity continued the next day and the next. Every day, Edduin would jolt awake from his sound sleep, giggling or simply staring around the room.
Thinking something was off, Alicia installed a Wi-Fi baby monitor inside to keep a watch on Edduin and sat in the living room, watching the live feed.
She fixed her gaze on the screen, watching it intently, and everything appeared to be fine for the first few minutes. However, after about 10 minutes, she noticed a sudden movement in the room and Edduin’s lip tilting in a smile.
Fearing that someone had crept into Edduin’s room, Alicia dashed to his room and slammed the door open. Her hands trembled, and she shivered in terror as she realized her baby wasn’t alone in the room.
However, Alicia heaved a sigh of relief when she saw that the visitor was no one but a cute little dog circling Edduin’s crib. He appeared dirty and weak, and he made a low sound that was difficult to hear.
When Alicia opened Edduin’s door, the little dog hid behind Edduin’s crib. Edduin began to giggle, and that’s when Alica understood what had happened.
It turns out that Alicia and John had a pet dog named Doblo, and they’d forgotten to close the dog door in the back of the room after he died. That room used to be Doblo’s game room, but it was converted into a nursery for Edduin after he died.
Since a lot had happened after John had left for his heavenly abode and Edduin was born, Alicia completely forgot to close the dog door. And that’s how the little dog got into the room, playing with Edduin all the time and refusing to let him sleep.
Alicia felt terrible for the poor animal after seeing it in that state and decided to adopt it. Casper, as she named him, is now Edduin’s best friend. A huge thanks to little Casper, now Edduin doesn’t cry as much, sleeps well because Alicia makes sure the two don’t spend all of their time together, and is a much happier baby.
What can we learn from this story?
Becoming a parent is not an easy task. Alicia managing her work and looking after her baby simultaneously is an excellent example of how parents go above and beyond for their children.
Learn to be kind to animals. Alicia adopted the dog after seeing he was in a terrible state.
23 Backhanded “Compliments” That Are Actually Insults
Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
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