My neighbor reported me to the HOA over some plastic skeletons and cobwebs I put up for Halloween. Less than a day later, she was at my door, begging for help. Why the sudden change of heart? Well, you’ll soon find out!
At 73, I’ve seen my fair share of life’s little dramas. But let me tell you, nothing quite prepared me for the Halloween hullabaloo in our sleepy little neighborhood last year.
I’m Wendy, a retired schoolteacher, proud grandma, and apparently, public enemy number one, according to my neighbor, Irene. All because of a few plastic tombstones and some cotton cobwebs.
“Wendy! Wendy!” I heard Irene’s shrill voice cutting through the crisp October air. I was on my knees, arranging a plastic skeleton by my front porch. “What in heaven’s name are you doing?”
I looked up, shielding my eyes from the afternoon sun. There she was, all five-foot-two, hands on hips, looking like she’d just bitten into a lemon.
“Why? I’m decorating for Halloween, Irene. Same as I’ve done for the past 30 years.”
“But it’s so…” She waved her hands around, searching for the right word. “GARISH!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s Halloween, Irene. It’s supposed to be a little garish.”
“Well, I don’t like it. It’s bringing down the tone of the neighborhood.”
As she stomped away, I sighed. Welcome to Whisperwood Lane, where the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence unless it’s half an inch too long, of course.
“You know, Irene,” I called after her, “a little fun never hurt anyone. Maybe you should try it sometime!”
She turned, her face seething with shock and anger. “I’ll have you know, Wendy, that I know plenty about fun. I just prefer it to be tasteful.”
With that, she marched off, leaving me to wonder what her idea of “tasteful fun” might be. Competitive flower arranging, perhaps?
A week later, I was enjoying my morning coffee when I gazed at the mailbox. Among the usual bills and flyers was an official-looking envelope from the Homeowners Association.
My hands slightly shook as I opened it. “Dear Miss Wendy,” it read, “We regret to inform you that a complaint has been filed regarding your Halloween decorations…”
I didn’t need to read further. I knew exactly who was behind this.
I looked at the HOA letter again. Irene had no idea what real problems looked like.
I picked up the phone and dialed the HOA office. “Hello, this is Wendy. I’ve just received a letter about my Halloween decorations, and I’d like to discuss it.”
The receptionist’s voice was polite. “I’m sorry, Miss Wendy, but the board has already made its decision. The decorations must come down within 48 hours because your neighbor has a problem with it.”
“And if I refuse?”
“Then I’m afraid we’ll have to issue a fine.”
I thanked her and hung up, my mind boiling. I had bigger things to worry about than fake tombstones and plastic skeletons. But something in me just couldn’t let Irene win this one.
The next few hours were a blur of phone calls and preparations. I was so focused on my Halloween decorations that I barely noticed Irene’s smug looks every time she passed by my house.
It wasn’t until the next morning that things came to a head. I was sitting on my porch, trying to calm my nerves with a cup of chamomile tea, when I heard excited laughter coming from Irene’s yard.
To my surprise, I saw a young boy, probably 10 years old, running around with one of my carved pumpkins on his head. It took me a moment to recognize him as Irene’s grandson, Willie.
“Look, Grandma!” he shouted, his voice muffled by the pumpkin. “I’m the Headless Horseman!”
I couldn’t help but smile. At least someone was enjoying my decorations.
Then I heard Irene’s voice, sharp and angry. “William! You take that thing off right this instant!”
Willie stopped in his tracks. “But Grandma, it’s fun! Miss Wendy’s yard is the coolest on the whole street!”
I leaned forward, curious to see how this would play out. Irene’s face was turning an interesting shade of red.
“That’s… that’s not the point,” she sputtered. “We don’t need any of those tacky decorations. Now, give me that pumpkin!”
But Willie wasn’t giving up so easily. “Why can’t we have fun stuff like Miss Wendy? Our yard is so boring and ugly!”
I almost felt bad for Irene. Almost.
“William,” Irene’s voice softened slightly, “you don’t understand. These decorations aren’t appropriate for our neighborhood. We have standards to maintain.”
The boy’s shoulders slumped. “Standards are no fun, Grandma. I wish we could be more like Miss Wendy.”
As the boy trudged back to the house, pumpkin in hand, I couldn’t help but call out, “You’re welcome to come carve pumpkins with me anytime, Willie!”
Irene shot me a glare that could have curdled milk, but I just waved cheerily. Let her stew in her bitterness. I had a Halloween to prepare for and a family to celebrate with.
As the sun started to set, I was surprised to see Irene making her way up my driveway. She looked different. Smaller somehow, less sure of herself.
“Wendy?” she called out hesitantly. “Can we talk?”
I nodded, gesturing to the chair next to me. “Have a seat, Irene. Tea?”
She sat down heavily, wringing her hands. “I wanted to apologize. About the HOA complaint. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I raised an eyebrow but said nothing, waiting for her to continue.
“It’s just…” She took a deep breath. “My grandson loves coming here because of your decorations. He says it’s the highlight of his visits. And I realized I’ve been so focused on keeping up appearances that I forgot what it’s like to just have fun.”
I felt a pang of sympathy. “We all get caught up in the wrong things sometimes, Irene.”
She nodded, tears glistening in her eyes. “The thing is, Willie’s parents are going through a nasty divorce. These visits are the only bright spots in his life right now. And I almost ruined that with my silly rules and complaints.”
Look Closer… Vintage Photos That Were Never Edited
Few things are as satisfying as a trip down memory lane — and it’s even better when you find something you didn’t notice before. Because as Ferris Bueller said — life moves pretty fast. Here are dozens of pictures of celebrities and remarkable people of yesteryear in all their beautiful, vintage glory. The glamour, the fashions, the hair — whether classically elegant, effortlessly cool, or interestingly tacky, we shall not see their like again. Here’s to the movie stars who were larger than life, here’s to the rock stars who lived on the edge, here’s to the comedians who still make us smile, here’s to the bit players who had those moments of glory that changed their lives forever. It’s all good, it’s all groovy, and the rest is history.
Perhaps it was her Scandinavian free-spiritedness — Swedish-born actress and singer Ann-Margret seemed on call to be as sexy as necessary. Need an actress to smother Jack Nicholson with her cleavage? Ann-Margret would do it (in Carnal Knowledge, 1972). Need an actress to writhe in satin sheets and foam, then get sprayed by baked beans? Ann-Margret’s your girl (in Tommy, 1975). Need an actress to ride a large motorcycle in a thigh-high sweater dress and calf-high boots? Ann-Margret’s raring to go (in The Prophet, 1968). Need an actress who can shake her fringe top and miniskirt like a professional go-go dancer? Ann-Margret has that exact skill (in Appointment in Beirut, 1969). Need an actress you could cover in fluorescent paint and drag around a canvas like a human paintbrush while burly men in tribal garb howl and beat their bongos? That was so Ann-Margret’s thing (in The Swinger, 1966). Need an actress to wear a bra at a photo shoot on a chilly day? Not her thing, man.–Advertisment–
“Jungle Pam” Hardy, one of drag racing’s main attractions in the ’70s.
Jim Liberman was a drag racer who went by the nickname of “Jungle Jim.” He won a lot of races in the 1970s. Fans loved him for his flamboyant personality and masterful driving. But this is not a picture of Jungle Jim — this is “Jungle Pam” Hardy, Jim’s sidekick, who commanded attention at the track with her tight, skimpy outfits. She had a job to do, as Jim’s “backup girl,” she helped guide him as he drove his Chevy Vega backward on the track after a burnout. Pam joined Jim’s team in 1973, and in 1977 Jim died on an off-track car accident. Though she only did the job for four years, Jungle Pam remains the most iconic backup girl in drag racing history.
Burt Reynolds and Farrah Fawcett during filming of the 1981 comedy “The Cannonball Run.”
The 1981 road-racing comedy The Cannonball Run was packed with star power: Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Adrienne Barbeau, Mel Tillis, Terry Bradshaw, Dom DeLuise, Jackie Chan and 007 himself, Roger Moore. But you could have left all of them on the side of the road and powered to box office success with this supernaturally attractive pair of human beings: Burt Reynolds and Farrah Fawcett. He was the greatest heartthrob of the late ’70s; she had the decade’s hottest poster, and was the hottest lady detective on Charlie’s Angels, a show that was completely about conspicuously hot lady detectives. The chemistry in the movie (and this photo) wasn’t fake — Fawcett and Reynolds were romantically involved for a time.
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! You’re gonna lose! Lose! Lose! A miffed Maureen McCormick on The Brady Bunch, 1972.
Be honest — which of these three sparklers from 1983 would you have pegged to be the future governor of Minnesota? History tells us it was Jesse “the Body” Ventura (at right), and not Randy “Macho Man” Savage or the lovely Elizabeth “Miss Elizabeth” Hulette. Randy and Elizabeth would marry the following year, and she would later debut in the WWF as Macho Man’s mysterious, glamorous manager. Sadly, neither Macho Man nor Elizabeth are with us today. Ventura, who served one term as governor and has since remained a popular political figure, occasionally floats the idea of a bid for the U.S. presidency. That seems far-fetched, as American voters would never make a crass TV blowhard the leader of the free world.
Cindy Morgan as ‘Lacey Underall’ in a scene from the comedy film “Caddyshack,” 1980.
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