I was shocked when my husband, Jake, handed me a schedule to help me “become a better wife.” But instead of losing my temper, I decided to play along. Little did Jake know, I was about to teach him a lesson that would make him rethink his new idea of marriage.
I’ve always been the calm and reasonable one in our relationship. Jake, on the other hand, can easily get caught up in new trends or ideas, whether it’s a hobby or a YouTube video that claims to change his life in just a few easy steps.
Jake and I were fine until he met Steve. Steve was the type of guy who thought being loud made him right. He’d talk over anyone who tried to correct him. He was also always single (no surprise there), but that didn’t stop him from giving relationship advice to all his married friends, including Jake. Jake, who should’ve known better, was impressed by Steve’s confidence.
I didn’t worry about it much at first, but then Jake started saying things like, “Steve says marriages work best when the wife handles the household,” or “Steve thinks women should always look good for their husbands, no matter how long they’ve been married.” I’d roll my eyes and make sarcastic comments, but it was bothering me. Jake was changing. He’d raise an eyebrow if I ordered takeout instead of cooking, and he’d sigh if I let the laundry pile up—forgetting that I also had a full-time job.
Then one night, it happened. Jake came home with The List.
He sat me down, unfolded a piece of paper, and slid it across the table. “I’ve been thinking,” he began, sounding condescending in a way I’d never heard before. “You’re a great wife, Lisa, but there’s room for improvement.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Oh really?”
He nodded, not realizing he was walking into dangerous territory. “Yeah, Steve helped me realize that our marriage could be even better if you, you know, stepped up a bit.”
I looked at the paper in front of me. It was a schedule, titled “Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife.” Jake had actually written out a plan for me based on what Steve—a single guy with no relationship experience—thought I should do to “improve” as a wife.
I was supposed to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to make Jake a gourmet breakfast, then go to the gym to “stay in shape.” After that? Cleaning, laundry, ironing—all before heading to work. Every evening, I was to cook dinner from scratch and make snacks for Jake and his friends when they came over. It was sexist and insulting on so many levels, I didn’t know where to start. I just stared at Jake, wondering if he had lost his mind.
“This will be great for you, and us,” he continued, unaware.
“Steve says it’s important to have structure, and I think you could benefit from—”
“Benefit from what?” I interrupted, keeping my voice calm. Jake blinked, surprised, but quickly recovered.
“Well, from having some guidance and a schedule.”
I wanted to throw the paper in his face, but instead, I surprised myself—I smiled.
“You’re right, Jake,” I said sweetly. “I’m lucky you made me this schedule. I’ll start tomorrow.”
He looked relieved, and I almost felt sorry for him as I stuck the list on the fridge. Almost. He had no idea what was coming.
The next day, I looked at the ridiculous schedule and smiled. If Jake thought he could hand me a list of “improvements,” he was about to learn a lesson. I opened my laptop and started a new document titled, “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” If he wanted perfection from me, there was a cost.
I started by listing all the things he’d suggested for me, beginning with the gym. “$1,200 for a personal trainer,” I typed, barely holding back a laugh.
Next was the food. If Jake wanted gourmet meals, that wasn’t happening with our current grocery budget. Organic, non-GMO, free-range everything? That wasn’t cheap. “$700 per month for groceries,” I wrote. And if he wanted fancy meals, he’d need cooking lessons too—those were expensive.
I leaned back, laughing as I imagined his face when he saw this. But I wasn’t done. The best part was yet to come.
There was no way I could manage all these demands and keep my job. If Jake wanted me to follow his absurd schedule full-time, he’d have to cover my lost income. I calculated my salary and added it to the list. “$75,000 per year to replace Lisa’s salary since she will now be your full-time maid, chef, and personal assistant.”
By now, I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt.
And just for fun, I added a note about expanding the house. If Jake was going to have friends over all the time, they’d need a separate space. “$50,000 to build a man cave so Jake and his friends don’t disrupt Lisa’s new routine.”
I printed out the list, set it on the kitchen counter, and waited for Jake to come home. When he arrived, he was in a good mood.
“Hey, babe,” he called, spotting the paper. “What’s this?”
Keeping a straight face, I said, “Oh, just a little list to help you become the best husband ever.”
He chuckled, thinking I was playing along, but as he read the list, his smile faded. “$1,200 for a trainer? $700 a month for groceries? What the hell, Lisa?”
I crossed my arms. “Well, you want me to follow your plan, right? I figured we should budget for it.”
His face turned pale as he flipped through the pages. “$75,000 a year? You’re quitting your job?”
“How else can I follow your plan?” I asked. “I can’t work and be the perfect wife, right?”
Jake looked stunned. The numbers and the absurdity of his demands hit him all at once. His smugness disappeared, replaced by the realization that he had messed up.
“I didn’t mean for it to be like this,” he stammered. “I just thought—”
“You thought you could ‘fix’ me like a project?” I said, my voice calm but firm. “Jake, marriage is about respect. And if you ever try to ‘fix’ me like this again, it’ll cost you a lot more than what’s on that paper.”
There was a long silence. Jake sighed and looked at me, defeated.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t realize how ridiculous it was. Steve made it sound reasonable, but now I see… it’s toxic. I’ve been such a fool.”
I nodded. “Yes, you have. And honestly, Steve has no idea what he’s talking about. Why would you listen to him?”
Jake’s face softened as the truth hit him. “You’re right. He has no clue.”
We tore up both lists, and for the first time in weeks, I felt like we were back on the same team. It was a reminder that marriage isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being better together.
Sofía Vergara Recalls Hiring a Dialect Coach to Get Rid of Her ‘Beautiful Accent’: ‘It Was a F—ing Waste’
Regarding the jobs she’s been offered, Vergara remarked, “It’s hard because this accent is beautiful, but it’s like, I cannot be a scientist, I cannot be an astronaut.”
Though actress Sofía Vergara has also been known for her beauty and melodious accent, she was initially resolved to get rid of the latter over fears her speech would limit the opportunities that would come her way.
The 51-year-old Griselda actor said, “I cannot take this accent away no matter what,” while talking about the parts she has been offered since her days on Modern Family. She also stated that she didn’t want to play her character “Gloria [Pritchett] again” in another comedy series.
“I tried when I first started my career,” she recounted during the drama actress round table hosted by The Hollywood Reporter. “I couldn’t believe Salma Hayek or Penélope Cruz didn’t change their accents—they would have had so many more opportunities—when I first went to Los Angeles. I’m going to carry it out.
Then, Vergara continued, “I wasted so much money and time with people teaching me, and it was a f—ing waste.”
The actress talked candidly about the challenges she had landing a serious part after playing Gloria, a Colombian bombshell and single mother, on the ABC sitcom for 11 years.
She said, “It was almost like playing myself.” “In my entire life, I never attended an acting class. It’s difficult for me to change my direction since, although my accent is lovely, I feel like I can’t be an astronaut or a scientist.
She did more than just hire a dialect coach as a preventative step to advance her career. Vergara said that she has never lied to “get a job,” but she did admit that she has “lied to my agents so they would take me when I moved to L.A.”
“I said I could sing and dance. Why not? She giggled, “I didn’t think they were going to send me out.” “After that, they sent me to a Broadway audition in Chicago.”
She was cast in the role of “I played Mama Morton in Chicago,” in spite of her first worries.
Vergara stunned viewers with her portrayal of Miami drug queenpin Griselda Blanco in Netflix’s Griselda, despite the fact that she may be best known for her comedic roles.
During an appearance on former costar Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s Dinner’s on Me podcast, the actress remarked on having “a lot of similarities” to the drug lord and how her own family’s experiences with sorrow informed how she handled the character.
Sadly, Vergara’s elder brother, who had been in the drug trade for a while, “was killed in Colombia in the ’90s.”
Thus, I believed I comprehended a good deal of those topics. I understood that business, I understood that woman, and so I felt it was a really interesting character,” she said, noting that she didn’t approach the role looking for “a character to prove that I can be a tragic actress.”
She continued, “I felt that it had to be someone that I kind of, like, knew who she was.”
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